When Love Turns to Hate

Confession: I am an inconsistent blogger. I always have been and that is my cross to bear (I'll never be a full time blogger with this schedule haha). This year, however, I decided to do better-and I really tried-I nailed January and early February, but then I flared. For about 6-7 weeks I had absolutely no energy. I couldn't hold a book up long enough to read it, I barely tweeted in case it started a conversation that I knew I couldn't hold, I abandoned Instagram (tbf they abandoned us first) because I had no pictures left in my bank and the thought of taking more made me physically sick, and if I'm honest I don't actually remember turning my laptop on during that time. I was a broken toy. 
You've heard of the Spoon Theory, right? Well for that month and a half I probably had about 3 spoons a day, and they were all used up getting to, being at, and getting home from work. There were actually a couple of days there where my energy surged and I immediately grabbed for my notebook-but between the pain and the fibro fog, everything I wrote read like garbage. So I stopped trying! 

Somewhere around the beginning of April I began to wonder if I actually missed blogging? Would I be perfectly happy if I never updated the blog again? I genuinely considered shutting it all down, but then I realised- I love writing on the internet, I love reading other blogs, and I love a fair few bloggers. What I don't love is the pressure, the sameness, and the almost constant drama that flits around our little "community". So I'm shaking it off! 
I will no longer pressure myself to be like other bloggers, I will not feel bad for taking a break, sometimes I'll have to that's life, and I will no longer write posts just because they are expected of me (as a lifestyle blogger). 

I want to write about my conditions, about sexual assault, about politics, and feminism, about the people who inspire me, about people I fancy *cough Kristen Stewart cough*, about the things that make me tick. I want to share my experiences, be they travel, days out, or medical procedures. I want this blog to be full of me-all of me, and my life. Right now I feel it could have been written by literally anybody. 
If I'm honest this is what I've always wanted but somehow I got distracted by being a blogger. I adapted my posts to fit in with what other bloggers were writing, I wanted to be just like them, I bought into the lifestyle and for a while I loved it-and don't get me wrong I do still love being a blogger. I love the cliches, I love the events, and the chats, and the people, but I've grown to hate my own blog. What should be my favourite place on the internet has become a place I resent- and I'm not okay with that, so I'm taking back control. 

Wish me luck, and while I'm finding my feet please do me a favour and check out all my favourite "bloggers who write with every part of themselves": Tara, Fiona, Sarah, Grace and Tamsin.

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© AJ Loves

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