Living With...Anxiety

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Hi dolls,

I have 3 different notebooks lying around me right now, all 3 have lists, ideas, first drafts, second drafts, and scribbles all over them. All 3 are my blog post notebooks and not one has a finished post inside!
At the start of December, I relaunched and I was finally happy with my design and layout (and I still am, I really totally do love it) I had so many plans, and I couldn't wait to get writing and publishing, but every single time I sat down to write I failed to finish a single fucking paragraph!!!


In a stunning twist, it's not even that old cow Writer's Block that is stopping me. Nope, this time, it's this new bitch in town- Anxiety!

I know, I know, "Anxiety" is a word bandied about the Twittersphere like a badge of honour nowadays- but bitches be crazy if they think it's some cool new accessory. Anxiety can't be taken off and put on a shelf next to your marble vinyl paper and blog props, until the next time you want to be "just like Zoella"! I could tell you what anxiety actually is BUT it's different for everyone, and everybody has a different way of explaining it to others- here is my way...

Things My Anxiety has told Me This Year

 (in this scenario my anxiety is a skinny blonde bitch, that looks a little like my school bully)

  • Bitch do you really think you're funny? Chlamydia gets more laughs!
  • Why bother writing it? Literally nobody gives a shit! 
  • Your friends legit think you are a total bitch-say nice things to keep them around- for now!
  • Why would Damian love you? You are a mean, narky, temperamental cow!
  • Oh, and BTW you should not be wearing those jeans...can you say thunder thighs? Fat bitch!
  • Yup, that guy is definitely going to kill you. He's not really heading to work, he's got a cellar where he's going to chop you up into little pieces. 
  • Seriously EVERYBODY is looking at you- I bet it's because of that ugly scar on your nose- that guy (on the other side of the road) he sees it and he is disgusted.
  • You know you're getting old right? 
  • You're NEVER going to be a mum.
  • You'd be a shit mum anyway!
  • Although you couldn't be any worse than you are at being a wife.
  • This lift is going to break down, nobody is going to care enough to look for you, you are going to have a panic attack and die in this metal and glass coffin.
  • Just stop trying- it's pathetic.
  • Why would they promote you?
  • That person behind you IS going to kidnap you- for real.
  • Nobody is going to pay the ransom.
  • You looked shit on your wedding day.
  • You look shit today too, and tomorrow probably.
  • Your husband is repulsed by your skin and scars.
  • He legit doesn't find you attractive.
  • If you eat that you WILL choke and die.
  • That pain IS a heart attack- you are going to die right here.
  • You're going to get sacked any day now because you're shit at your job as well as everything else.
  • If you go to sleep I'm going to give you that nightmare again.
  • If you go to sleep I'm going to make you miss your alarm. miss work, and lose your job.
  • If you go to sleep you are NEVER going to wake up.
  • He sleeps better without you there anyway.
  • It's cancer/fibromyalgia//MS/other horrible illness
  • You think you've got style? You look like a hippo that shops in trash cans.
  • Why bother moving today.
  • Why bother blogging? Shut it all down.
  • Why bother doing anything?
I could go on and on but this is already longer than I planned so I'll stop here with the things anxiety has told me this month. I know most of these things seem irrational (except maybe the not being funny thing) but in the moment I believe them all, and that is why I've decided 2016 is going to be the year that I defeat this stupid blonde bitch!- Wish me luck!!

Thanks for reading, and please have a gentle new year.

Much Love

1 comment

  1. This is such an insight into people that suffer with anxiety. I don't think people realise how serious it actually is - I really hope things get better for you lovely !