Silence

Do you ever feel like you're shouting into the wind.  There are hundreds of people looking at you but they can't hear a word you're saying because the wind is swallowing your words. The problem is nobody makes any effort to tell you they can't hear you.  There is no engagement just silence. You're standing there screaming, thinking "why are you ignoring me?""why does nobody care?" And all the while they're just staring into the distance wondering why this crazy person is making shapes with their mouth when there is no sound coming out. 
You can shout louder but the wind just picks up, then the rain starts and you think "oh well what's the point in straining my voice in the wind and rain if nobody is listening?...I'll just shut up now". 

I Like Big Books and I Cannot Lie

"To read is to learn, to learn is to know"-AJ Wathern
or THE BOOKS THAT MADE AJ FEEL THINGS 

Wuthering Heights,Good Omens, To Kill a Mockingbird, The Communist Manifesto, Karl Marx, Harper Lee, Friedrich Engels, Neil Gaiman, Terry Pratchett, Emily Bronte, Books, classics
The Classics

A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes


The Spring/Summer 2016 Wishlist



Yankee candle, summer peach, paisley, charlotte tilbury, Bitch Perfect, Primark, Ikea, Alex, Linnmon, Dressing Table, Gola, Bullet, Trainers, studio box lighting,
I feel pretty, oh so pretty...

The Past Is Gone, The Future Yet Unborn But Right Here And Now Is Where It All Goes On

Hello there! 
So I'm sitting here having just rubbed a copious amount of Vicks Vaporub into my own chest which has resulted in three thoughts: 1) Doing this to yourself is way less sexy than letting someone else do it-I can't be the only one that finds this sexy!! 2) I may have put too much on and now my eyes are watering, and 3) I love my new boobs!! 
Wait that sounded confusing, to clarify I have not had a boob job (although I absolutely would if I could afford it) what has happened though is I have gained a ton of weight and with it I have become the proud new owner of a mighty fine pair of mammaries. Can you say upside?!? Ha. Which leads us kinda smoothly into this, IT'S LIFE UPDATE TIME!! 
selfie, pale, make-up free, natural, Aj, blonde
Hi. Sorry about my make-up free face and dour expression but this is the only photo I had that matched the post.lol. 
If you know me in real life, or follow me on Twitter, you will know that I've been dealing with a LOT of health issues for over a year now, These have probably contributed to the aforementioned weight gain (although I can't take all of the blame away from chocolate and wine), but more than that they have contributed to a less positive AJ. I know I am always going on about positivity and ra-ra-ciss-boom-ba cheerleader stuff but lately I've noticed I've been moaning most of the time, and for that I can only apologise. So please bare with me while I grump and gripe my way through this challenge, I promise it will get better. 
Anyway, I'm in pain, a lot of pain in fact. I have tried a thousand times to explain just how much pain, and I always come up short. Sometimes I feel like I've run a marathon, sometimes I feel like I've been hit by a bus, and sometimes I wake up and I feel like I've been hit by a bus and then got up and ran a marathon...on these days I crawl, lie down, and my poor husband runs after me like a blue-arsed fly. My muscles are either dull and achy, or crampy and heavy, or in fire, or swollen. My skin is permanently itchy and hot, my headaches are one bright light away from developing into a full-blown migraine, and I am permanently nauseated. It is hard, really hard. It doesn't help that Doctors didn't give a shit and pawned me off with meds that did nothing...until last month! 
Last month I had a horrible experience, my doctor's surgery refused to see me because they decided I wasn't entitled to an on the day appointment. I was informed that I should have booked an appointment ONE MONTH in advance to be sure I'd be seen. I asked for my repeat prescription and was told I can't issue it without seeing you, but no I won't see you today-I can get you an appointment for TWO WEEKS time. I'm not going to lie I got off that phone quicker than you can shout "fuck you, you inconsiderate bitch" and promptly burst into tears. Then I did the best thing ever...I quit my surgery and joined a new one. 
Within one week I had had a full examination, my new doctor had listened to all my symptoms and took a copy of my notes (I keep very thorough symptom notes). I had bloods taken and a possible diagnosis. However when my bloods came back it became apparent that I probably didn't have what she initially thought it could be and we were stumped again. But because my new doctor is so great she picked up from my symptom list and tried again which takes us to now. 
Now I am on the waiting list for an appointment with the neurology department, and I have been referred for an MRI.
It is so refreshing having a caregiver who actually seems to, not just believe me but actually care, about what I'm going through. 
So that's where I am. I'm in pain, I feel sick, and I'm depressed as all hell, BUT I can see the light. 
Hopefully, I won't let much more of my negativity seep into my outpourings but if I do please call me out on it! 
And that's about it! Sorry if this has made little sense but I'm just writing as I think so...stream of consciousness high five?
Any recommendations for pain relief, or how to not let the pain get me down, are greatly appreciated :-) xxx
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